


only for you

by starrkeys



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, theoretically canon compliant, they're trainees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-17 23:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17570195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrkeys/pseuds/starrkeys
Summary: jisung is in love with chan. how could he not be?his feelings aren't returned.





	only for you

it was late at night, with only chan and jisung left working. changbin had gone to go to bed hours previously. work wasn’t going too well. all of them were getting frustrated. they just didn’t seem to be making much progress.

jisung had been working on the same lyrics for hours but nothing was working. he couldn’t seem to remember how to string words together. it was like he didn’t have anything to say. maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe the stress. but his thoughts just kept drifting, unbidden, to the feelings he typically tried to ignore.

jisung had known that he had a crush on chan from way back when he first met him. it was hard not to. he was so talented, so hard working, so nice, older, handsome. at first it was easy to ignore. it was just a crush, sure to pass eventually.

but then it didn’t and working so closely together as a part of 3racha was just making it more and more difficult to ignore. he couldn’t stop fixating on it. he knew chan so well now. it wasn’t just a crush based on superficial things, not anymore. who wouldn’t fall in love with chan if given the opportunity? maybe he was biased, but there was just something so _cool_ about the older trainee. he was magnetic. so genuine. one of the best people jisung had ever known.

he ached with everything that went unsaid.

jisung knew that chan didn’t like him back. chan used to see some girl in the company. he’d never actually said who but jisung thought he knew anyway. it hadn’t ended well and chan was still bothered by it. he talked about it sometimes. his feelings often bled into the lyrics he’d write. it hurt to see him hurt. but jisung couldn’t do anything about it. it felt so hard to comfort him without giving himself away. what could he do anyway? chan thought of him as a little brother.

and now… the only words that were coming to him were too lovesick, too obvious, too pathetic. he couldn’t help it. it was just too much, having such a depth of emotion locked away inside him. he felt like he was going to burst. nothing else was working, not now. he had nothing else to say except _i love you i love you i love you._ they’d been working all evening and late into the night and all jisung had to show for it were a few lines of half-hearted, cliché, and simply _bad_ words.

not only that, but chan was _right there._ it was just them. working in close proximity. usually changbin was around to at least act as a deterrent from jisung doing anything too stupid, like confessing. but he wasn’t there. not this night. it was just jisung and chan, working into the early hours of the morning. jisung found himself distracted again by him.

chan was so absorbed in what he was doing, he didn’t notice jisung staring. (he hadn’t noticed all the other times jisung had found himself distracted either.) chan was fully absorbed into his computer. he was so focused. his curly hair was messy, sticking up from where he’d been running his hand through it. jisung wanted to run his fingers through it.

finally, jisung broke the silence. he couldn’t help it. he just couldn’t keep it together anymore. “chan.”

the other boy paused, took a moment to look over. “yeah?”

before he could think better of it, jisung was talking. he couldn’t live like this any longer; he just needed to talk about it, to let his feelings out into the world. “i need to tell you something. i don’t really expect anything from it, you don’t need to react in any way. i don’t want anything to change or anything. i just need to say it.” he’d thought over the words to say before, in daydreams that he’d never thought would ever come close to true. the thoughts were already there, ready to spill out of his mouth and out into the world, where he couldn’t take them back or ignore them any longer.

chan turned fully to face jisung, eyes intent on his face. “are you okay?” he looked so concerned.

“i’m fine,” jisung replied even though it wasn’t exactly true. chan’s response was almost irrelevant to him, honestly. he needed to say what he needed to say. it was for him. for his wellbeing. he just couldn’t hold it in anymore. he knew that chan didn’t return his feelings, so what did it matter? for once, it was all about jisung and his need to quell his nerves and still his thoughts. he needed to numb himself. he couldn’t keep going with his feelings so strong. they were a livewire that could destroy him so easily. “look, i just need you to know that i… i’m kind of in love with you. sort of. i guess. i mean, yeah. i am.” he paused. his heart was beating so fast and he suddenly found it impossible to look at chan. “i know you don’t like me like that. i don’t… i don’t want anything to change. i’m sorry. i just needed to say it.”

“jisungie…” chan said. jisung couldn’t look at him, instead focusing intently on the tear in his jeans. “jisung i’m sorry. i don’t… feel that way.” chan was speaking so slowly, choosing his words so carefully. jisung hated that. it was making it worse. if chan had yelled at him, it would’ve been easier. he was just so nice. so good. how could jisung help but love him?

the nervous energy was too much. jisung couldn’t stand being in the room any longer. he couldn’t stand being around chan any longer. he stood up abruptly. “i know you don’t like me. it’s okay. i just needed to tell you. i need to go.” he started gathering his things. his hands were shaking so badly and all he could feel was his heartbeat. it was hard to focus on anything at all. all he knew was that he needed out. he needed to get away. “nothing has to change. i don’t want it to change. i’m sorry. i have to go.”

“jisung,” chan said. he grabbed jisung’s elbow, but he jerked out of his grasp quickly. “you don’t have to go. we can talk about this.”

jisung shook his head vehemently. “i don’t want to talk about it. not ever. i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have said anything. i just couldn’t… i’m sorry.” he felt like he was going to cry.

“you don’t have to be sorry.”

jisung couldn’t risk chan trying to touch him again. he couldn’t risk looking at him. it was all too much and he just needed to get away. he abandoned his things, going to the door without looking back. “i’m sorry.”

everything was a blur. jisung’s thoughts were a jumble of words, half-formed thoughts that he had to stop before they took him down paths too dark for him to ponder. he was so stupid. so, so stupid. he couldn’t believe he’d done that. it didn’t even feel real. somehow, he made it back to the dorm and into his bed.

the unreality of the situation was the only thing that allowed him to fall asleep. maybe when he woke up in the morning, he’d find that it actually hadn’t been real. it felt enough like a dream for that to be plausible.

*

things felt weird between them for weeks after jisung’s unplanned confession. not bad. they never did talk about it again. chan didn’t even try to bring it up. if they happened to be alone, they mostly spoke about music. it wasn’t bad; it was different. sometimes jisung would catch chan staring at him and he was really careful with his words around him. he was a little too kind, treating jisung like he was breakable. (maybe he was.) they worked fine together when changbin was also present but they didn’t really work just the two of them anymore.

jisung’s main emotion was overwhelming embarrassment. he still could hardly believe he’d done it, even though ultimately it was a bit of a relief. he’d been holding it inside for such a long time and it really was just a matter of time before it had come spilling out. it had needed to be said. it wasn’t a secret anymore. he didn’t feel like he had to watch all of his words, all of his actions. chan knew. he didn’t have to overthink everything to avoid his feelings being suspected. chan knew.

it wasn’t the end of the world. slowly, their friendship began to drift back to more familiar territory. they really did work so well together. that was what was so agonizing for jisung. he knew that chan didn’t like him like that, but he also knew that if he _did_ they would work so, so, so well.

all jisung wanted was to be able to love chan. to make him feel happy, loved, good all the time. he wanted to take care of him the way that chan took care of so many of them. he wanted to give him all the love he deserved, so that maybe chan would see himself the way jisung saw him. he wanted chan to believe the best of himself. he knew that sometimes chan questioned himself or was uncertain. they all did that to some extent. it was difficult being a trainee. especially for as long as chan had been.

things went back to normal. with his feelings out in the open, they didn’t feel quite as immediate. they weren’t as pressing of an issue. they could fade into the background usually, until the random moments when he’d be overwhelmed by the strength of them again. but they’d pass again quickly. (if they didn’t, jisung could just go cry in the shower for a while. usually that worked.)

they kept getting busier and busier. feelings of any kind for anybody or anything became more of a hindrance than anything. working was their main priority. all of their dreams were within reach and they couldn’t afford to mess it up when they were so close.

eventually, so much time passed without anything happening and neither of them speaking of it that jisung began to wonder if chan maybe thought that he’d gotten over his feelings. it was a reasonable assumption. jisung rarely let himself think about it too much. it didn’t even really hurt that much. but he wasn’t over it. he’d do anything to be able to love chan forever, be in a relationship with him. forever was a long time, but jisung didn’t doubt that that was what he wanted. it just made sense.

but being friends, working together, seeing each other every day. it was honestly almost good enough. almost.


End file.
